30 Day Cleanse: Week 1

After making a very impulsive decision to drop an undisclosed amount of $$ (a LOT!) on a cleanse, I’m happy to report I survived… at least the first week. God only knows how the next 3 weeks will go.

I’m not super scientific… I don’t know, nor do I want to know about micro and macro this or that. I could not care less how the acids of this or the chemistry of that will affect my adrenal glands or my spleen or whatever… Maybe I should but, God help me, I just don’t! I’ve never been of that mindset. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what THIS cleanse is all about: No soy, no dairy, no caffeine, no gluten, no sugar, only a few lean organic meats, only green veggies, no starches, only a handful of berries, no going out, no dressings… *sigh

I do not do well being super restrictive with food. My motto is “Everything in moderation” when it comes to nutrition. So right out of the gate, I didn’t think I’d be able to do this cleanse.

I surprised myself!

I cooked my own meals! Did I mention I don’t cook?? I prepped them and all my snacks for the whole week. And I didn’t cheat! Go me 🙂

I lost 6.5lbs this week.

I confess it was probably not just the cleanse that was responsible for that… I broke up with my Iowan for the 3rd and final time this week. We tried to work it out but, ultimately, we didn’t see eye-to-eye on another issue (one we’d been having from Day 1 as well…) I was NOT willing to settle on! It was quite hateful, actually. I said, “Peace out!” and I’ve been crying (and freakin’ pissed!) ever since then.

I’m an emotional eater or non-eater. This week, I was a non-eater. I’m sure that contributed to the radical weight loss. So, before you decide to also be impulsive and go on a ridiculously expensive cleanse keep that in mind.

I had a pretty intense headache for the first few days. It eventually went away. On Thursday night when it happened, it came back ten-fold… I have a lot of inflammation from all the working out I do. As a result I’m pretty achy most of the time. This cleanse is supposed to help with that as well. In between fits of rage I was, literally, in bed crying all day Saturday and Sunday (…and today). So, the aches have not gone away either. Again, cleanse or break-up? Who knows?

We’ll see what happens this week…

Goals for week 2:

Lose 5lbs

Lose the headache

Lose the bodyaches

Lose the heartbreak (and rage!) over a man who clearly didn’t respect me or make me number 1 in his life (despite the fact I happily, joyfully, willfully bent over backwards to do that for him #Reciprocity)

 

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Journal Entries: April 14, 2017

These are my journal entries in the aftermath of D-Day. Narc apologized and begged me to forgive him. He promised to change and I felt obligated to extend forgiveness… Deep in my gut, though, I knew he wouldn’t and that my heart had been too hardened from 7 years of his antics. I faked my way through “recovery” for 5 miserable months… This is what it looked like:


30743405_10156259751184643_867208580586012672_nApril 14, 2017

It’s Good Friday and all I can do is think about my own insignificant plight… I did a few devotionals at work and felt insanely better! Easter has always been my favorite holiday and this year is no different. I felt so blessed and filled after reading the word today. Narc even brought me coffee. He had just come from getting his hair trimmed and he shaved it all off like he used to. It shouldn’t bother me but it did.

I told him a long time ago that I really liked his hair a little longer. After Dec. 19th he agreed to grow it out and has ever since then.

Last night we met with [our Pastor] for the second time and we talked about what bothered us BEFORE Dec. 19th… I had 3 pages (front and back. I had to structure them in to categories!), so we only got through one of mine, which was that I never felt like #1 to Narc.

HIS complaint was that the “communication was never good”–that I wasn’t completely honest with him as I need to be.

It was a productive session, I thought. But I could tell he was mad at the things I said — he wants me to be honest, he says. But then can’t handle it when I am…

The very NEXT day he SHAVES his head. Coincidence? I think not.  He did it just to get back at me.  I KNOW he did. It’s the same passive-aggressive behavior he’s done the whole time… It’s his egotistical way of saying “you’re not in control I am, bitch.”

What’s interesting is that he told me he loves my hair long as well… so I’ve been growing it out. 2 days ago, [my stylist] trimmed MY hair. I wanted SO bad to get an inverted bob, but that would mean cutting off a few inches of hair and I decided against it b/c Narc likes long hair…

So I didn’t cut my hair off but HE did… and I’m pissed.

It’s not just about “hair”! It’s the whole back story to our communication issues we’ve had since day 1… it’s all the B.S. & P.A. crap he’s done the whole time.

He can be 30lbs overweight but God forbid I work my ass off to keep my weight off b/c it “bothers” him when I work out all the time. I’m being “selfish” –but HE can look at nudies all day long of bitches he’s trolled online & THAT’S ok.

He can chop off all his hair but I have to be the perfect beautiful wife with long hair he can pull!

…it’s not JUST about the “hair”.

It’s not JUST a picture of a woman (who just-so-happens to have her tits hanging out)!

It’s not JUST an email (to a “friend”)!

It’s freakin’ mind games!


It’s amazing what a year can do for someone’s perception. As I re-read these entries from last year I get physically sick to my stomach. In hindsight I can see so clearly that I was being manipulated. I can see textbook examples of NPD at work. I wish my clarity had arrived sooner. I wish I’d had the gumption to follow through with my instinct to file for divorce on Dec. 20, 2016. I wish I could take soooooo many thing back.

But I can’t.

All I can do is learn from my mistakes and move forward and not let myself repeat these patterns in future relationships.

30 Day Cleanse

Today’s post is a horse of a different color.

As you may or may not know, I’ve struggled with my weight since I was 8 years old. Even though I feel like I’ve conquered my battle of the bulge I still struggle with it, nonetheless:  I still struggle with binge eating; I struggle with sticking to a work out regiment; When life isn’t so grand (or when it’s wonderfully blissful!) I struggle with emotionally eating or not eating and my weight fluctuates as a result. My BODY’S happy weight and MY happy weight seem to be two completely different things.  At 5’2 I feel very comfortable hovering around 130lbs.  My BODY seems to think 140-145 is better for me. Punk.

I’m not one to go down without a fight. I don’t give up on the things that matter to me… and this is one of them.

130 is my happy weight and, dangit, that’s what it’s going to be come hell or high water.

My friend (who’s struggle is nearly identical to mine) reached her goals by following an Arbonne lifestyle. She’s lost the same amount of weight that I have and she looks so good I can’t stand it. She’s inspired me to reach my final goals and I’ve decided to do a 30-day cleanse with her and several others following this plan.

This is not a sponsored post. I am not an Arbonne consultant nor am I getting any kind of commission or kickback by mentioning this. I’m simply trying to reach a goal and want to share it with you because 1.) there is power in confession and accountability and 2.) this is the real me. I’m not just a divorcee… there are several other facets to me and my health and nutrition is one of them.

My goals for this 30 day cleanse:

Final weight of 125

Feel healthier

Wake up without any aches

Have more energy

Be more comfortable in my own skin

I’ll keep you updated on my progress and goals every 7 days. Wish me luck 🙂

Journal Entries: April 5, 2017

These are my journal entries in the aftermath of D-Day. Narc apologized and begged me to forgive him. He promised to change and I felt obligated to extend forgiveness… Deep in my gut, though, I knew he wouldn’t and that my heart had been too hardened from 7 years of his antics. I faked my way through “recovery” for 5 miserable months… This is what it looked like:


29790632_10156225613584643_5121639300936499200_oApril 5, 2017

SO, we’re 4 months out from DDay, and I still feel like shit.  I cry at the stupidest little triggers like I’m an emotionally disturbed child and I can’t help wonder, “Is this normal?”

When will it not hurt?

When will I not be sad?

When will I not be pissed off?

When will I ever feel normal again?

I was watching “Little Women: LA” last night & one of the girls on the show is going through what I am. Her douchebag husband cheated on her while she was pregnant with their baby.  He WAS physical… and an emotional online cheater like Narc.  And every time I’ve watched that show I think to myself, “that’s Narc…”  When Narc watches it with me he always comments on what a “jerk” Matt is.

Really, Narc? Really?

We’ve been watching this show for 6 seasons… and Matt has been in it for 3.  Before his infidelity came to light on the show I ALWAYS thought Narc acted like Matt.  Funny– Narc ALWAYS thought Matt was a dick.

Similarly, Narc and I talked frequently about infidelity and men who cheat on their unsuspecting wives… He’d always side/argue with me that “men like that are jerks!”… yet he was doing it to me all the while…

Is he the best liar on the planet or am I just the biggest IDIOT on the planet?

How can I believe a WORD that comes out of his mouth?  He’s been lying to me for 7 years, why should I believe that in the last 4 months he’s seen the light?!

I can’t.

I don’t.

In the same episode another friend of the “betrayed wife” in this episode said that:

‘Just because Briana has all of Matt’s passwords doesn’t mean he’s not cheating on her! It’s a false sense of security… What kind of a life is it when you’re constantly having to check on your husband’s faithfulness to you? I think that would be the worst life imaginable for a wife…’

She said it with sympathy and not judgment.

She’s right.

What kind of a life is it?

I don’t want to live the rest of my life on Narc’s FB page searching through all his activity. I don’t. I just want a normal freakin’ husband who doesn’t cheat on me. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, it is.

I did some research today… 74% of men say they would have an affair if they knew they wouldn’t get caught. 57% admit to cheating.

Why get married?

I don’t GET IT.

I NEVER wanted to cheat! I never, ever wanted anyone else but Narc…

…but now he repulses me.

I’m almost at the point where I don’t care.

I’m almost at the point where I’m not mad and don’t even want to bother checking his tracks…

I’m tired…

I’m sad…

I’m PISSED…

I just want to give up…

I just want to move on with my life….

Journal Entries: March 28, 2017

These are my journal entries in the aftermath of D-Day. Narc apologized and begged me to forgive him. He promised to change and I felt obligated to extend forgiveness… Deep in my gut, though, I knew he wouldn’t change and that my heart had been too hardened from 7 years of his antics. I faked my way through “recovery” for 5 miserable months… This is what it looked like:


29666171_10156204501054643_1411277991_nMarch 28, 2017

I got back from FL a few days ago.  It was SO much fun! Everything has changed since I worked there.  It just gets better & better and it was great to see it through a child’s eyes.  [Billie’s daughter] really had a great time.  She was difficult at times but I honestly didn’t mind.  ANY time at Disney is still gonna be fun!

I thought I would want to go back to work there… ironically, being there made me realize that I did NOT like working there… I enjoyed the perks of working there but that’s ALL I miss about it.  So, honestly, it was nice to have that sense of “closure” to that part of my life.  It’s almost like I can move on w/out constantly wondering “what if” I had stayed.  It’s a good thing.

[Narc] surprised me with a new area rug in the living room, new furniture arrangements, & a new bed spread.  He also put paintings up & changed a few things around. It looked REALLY nice.  It was nice to have a “new” house to come home to.

We basically need a new marriage too, or “fresh start” so changing things is a good thing, mentally, for us.

A week before I left for Disney, I walked out on Narc again.  He had the balls to give me a hard time about some pics I liked on FB.  The more I think about it, the more pissed I get.  It’s happened before– and I wilted & bent over backwards to prove to him I wasn’t doing anything wrong. After Dec 19th, I’m able to see things clearly in hindsight… He’s a manipulative jack-ass, basically.  And that incident REALLY got to me.

He apologized… like always, but I still feel like he’s just doing damage control. I REALLY don’t understand his motivation… I really don’t. Why did he marry me?

I feel like it’s all been fake! He wanted to have his cake and eat it too.  When I caught him he had no choice but to play nice.

He’s done everything I’ve asked him… He’s stopped doing the things I’ve asked him… I have access to everything of his online.  He has not violated my terms in any way… So why do I still feel like crap?

Why do I still think it’s fake? Why do I still have nightmares that he’s cheating on me?  Why do I burst into tears at the most random moments?  Why do I still think he’s lying? …Is it all just part of this jacked-up system called “the healing process”?

Or is my intuition telling me to get the hell out?

 

Counterfeit Memories

This past Christmas, I was gifted the entire Seinfeld series on DVD. Even though I’ve seen every episode a million times, I’m working my way through from start to finish. And, I’m not going to lie, when I’m done I’ll probably start all over again. #IHaveAProblem

A few nights ago I got to the 100th episode, which is a special compilation episode. I actually HATE those cheesy “Thanks for the memories” compilations, but as that stupid Green Day song orchestrated over the montage, I began to think about my memories from yesteryear. Namely, my wedding

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My wedding day was awesome! I was at my favorite place, the beach, in a gorgeous dress. I felt stunning and sexy (a rarity for me). My childhood pastor whom I adore, married us. I remember shedding a few small tears during the ceremony because I never ever thought I’d get married. I was overwhelmed that I actually was… My dad gave a toast at the reception that was so beautiful, I forced myself not to sob; We checked into a resort for 2 nights of our honeymoon. It was a luxurious suite overlooking Lido beach and it was so amazing!

I started to think of other happy times. Like, when we moved from my condo into our house; I thought about all our trips to Florida we took for our anniversary… I thought about holidays and weekends with our grandson… Going to church and spending time with family… Taking showers together and doing the nasty any time we wanted (a perk of not having kids– and we took advantage of it often).

Were any of these memories real?

When I look back on my wedding now I see it through the lens of infidelity and my own red flags that I blatantly ignored: Those few tears shed during the ceremony were actually fear. I knew in the back of my head that I was making a mistake… Narc was completely stoic during the ceremony save for a toothless grin here and there… you’d think a man marrying his dream woman might’ve misted or shown teeth when he smiled, right? (He’s not emotional like me, I rationalized…); We charged the honeymoon suite to my Discover card just like we’d done with my wedding rings (and our engagement pictures and just like fill-in-the-blank…). I didn’t want to do it… but I did; I put Narc on a payment plan of $40 a month to pay me back for this… He didn’t give me a penny; The first year of our anniversary we didn’t go back to Florida because he left me to tour Europe with his band for a month instead. I never did forgive him for that… The year after that (because I didn’t want any more credit card debt) I saved aside cash every week for months and that was the only money that we allotted for the trip. He didn’t contribute a dime. It was like that for every trip we took…

While we were lounging on the beach and I thought we were celebrating our love and marriage, he was actually sending countless other women messages online (I saw them with my own eyes): “Might be bad to say but I can’t stop thinking about your lips…”; “My biggest regret in life is that I didn’t experience you when I had the chance”; “Are you seeing anyone? I wish I was on your prospect list.” He’d send random women, not-so-random women, his ex-girlfriends, acquaintances, and outright friends of his these kinds of messages and then “make ‘love’” to me hours later…

Was it ever ‘love’? Knowing what I know about NPD I can say with absolute certainty it wasn’t. He never loved me because, as a narcissist, he’s incapable of it. That’s not me being a fatalist… that’s the reality of the pathology of Narcissism. He doesn’t love because he can’t.

How does a person come to terms with that?

How can I look back on any memory of him or our life together with any kind of accuracy? How am I supposed to process the memories that were real to me… but were nothing more than an egotistical conquest for him?

I feel jipped out of my montage. I feel like the last 7 years of my memories were counterfeit.

When I look back do I choose to put on my rose-colored glasses and see it for what it was to me… or for the lie it actually was?

Maybe I can do both.

I can still love my gorgeous wedding dress, my dad’s toast, my Pastor’s blessing, and the awesome, awesome honeymoon suite. I can choose to look at those moments and be genuinely grateful that I felt beautiful that day… that I have a father who loves me more than I’ll ever be able to comprehend… that I have a Spiritual Mentor that’s encouraging and never judging of me in my faith walk… that I got to stay in a luxurious beach resort if only for 2 nights.

On the other hand, I can still hate that I was lied to, that I was used, and that I was nothing more than a means to an end for an entitled predator… I can choose to look at that truth and still be grateful that I now trust my intuition… that all the financial abuse only helped me be smarter with my money… that I have established boundaries and the confidence to enforce them… that I can prevent myself from falling in to similar traps in new relationships. And, maybe I can choose to see the poignancy in the midst of “cheesy” and take heart to those Green Day lyrics…

ce5dd1d8f84d2d18a7bf401186f661c0--good-riddance-green-day

All my life experience up until now is all shaping me and forming me into the person I’m meant to be.

I will take the compilation of my life story, the good the bad and the ugly, and say in the same breath, Good Riddance and Thanks for the Memories.

 

D-Day: Leaving a second time

I’ve mentioned it in other posts but, ever since D-Day I see things a little differently: Everything is either Before it all happened or After.  Maybe that mindset will eventually change as more time passes but this is how my brain operates right now.

This time last year, Narc and I had been in therapy since January. I often felt worse after those sessions than better. I had checked out, emotionally, and was just going through the motions. I was constantly fighting tears and always on the verge of a breakdown.

Unaware of my marital state, my best friend Billie asked me to go to Disney World with her and her 5 year-old for Spring Break. A single mom, she’d asked me every year since I can remember but I’d always turned her down. I truly didn’t have the money… also, I thought it would be pretty crappy to enjoy a luxurious vacation like that without my husband. I just didn’t feel right about it, so I always declined. When she asked me last year, though, I accepted! I had severed all financial ties with Narc. I refused to support him in any financial capacity and I just needed a break for myself. I told him I was going to go and he seemed okay with it and even excited for me.

A week before the trip, Narc sent me a text while I was at work. It was a picture of a mutual friend of ours and his daughter. I “liked” the picture and he seemed to be bothered by it…

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I was SO angry with him. We got in to a bit of a texting war.

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Instead of continuing I called him right there at work. “Okay, let’s talk it out…”

“Nope.”

“If this is really bothering you, you need to tell me why.”

“It doesn’t matter Laura. I’m the one that messed up, so I have no right to get upset when you do the exact same thing.”

“I didn’t do the ‘exact same thing’! I didn’t engage in a full on emotional affair with this man… I liked a picture of him and his daughter. I don’t like any pictures of him by himself. I don’t even follow his posts… We don’t message each other in passing. I only respond to the messages he sends me when he commissions me for a sewing project. There’s nothing inappropriate going on here.” The entire time he was making condescending verbal noises on the phone to reflect that 1.) he didn’t believe me and 2.) I was the biggest hypocrite on planet earth because, in his mind, I truly was doing the exact same thing that he did. (Google Blame-shifting and Projection).

 

We went round and round and I decided to delete the mutual friend in question. I also, get this, apologized to Narc. If it truly upset him than I would stop being acquaintances with this guy at all. This seemed to pacify him. After we hung up, though, he sent more “evidence” of my inappropriateness…

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I didn’t bother calling him back. I had a meeting after work that night and didn’t get home until 8:30 or so. I was hoping it’d be cancelled because of the snow but, of course, it wasn’t. Without even giving an explanation, I handed my phone to Narc and showed him all the messenger exchanges between me and this guy. “See,” I said. “Nothing to be concerned about.” He handed me back my phone and in his arrogant, flippant way that I was all too familiar with said, “Well… messages can be deleted.”

I went from zero to 60. I yelled at him like I’d never yelled before. He was too drunk to remember my outburst on D-Day, but my reaction rivaled my anger from that night. I went right to the bedroom and began packing a suit case. “There is nothing going on between me and him and you F—ing know it!” I slammed clothes into my bag. “You’re projecting your guilt on to me and making me look like the bad guy! You’re the cheater! Not me.” By now I was crying out of sheer rage and frustration.

His face softened, “Okay… well… if you say there’s nothing going on than I’ll believe you, Laura.”

There’s nothing going on!” I screamed. “There was nothing ever going on with me and any one else ever! I never wanted anyone else. I was always faithful to you! You’re the one that wasn’t happy with this arrangement. You’re the one that stepped out. And you’re trying to shift the blame on to me! I don’t think so!” I continued to pack.

“… please don’t leave.”

I almost fell for his act… “I’m going to mom and dad’s house. I should just move back in with them permanently! Even though this is MY HOUSE!” I screamed. “I pay for this house! I pay for everything! This is all mine, but that’s okay. You enjoy it while I leave!”

I think it’s safe to say my breakdown materialized that night… I stayed at my parents’ house right up until Billie and I were scheduled to fly out to Florida. Narc texted me a few times and I always responded but I ignored him the rest of the time… Finally, on Thursday night I asked if he wanted to meet for dinner so we could have a civilized discussion. We met at Olive Garden and I apologized to him. Again. Story of my life. I was sorry for yelling at him… but I was not sorry for why I yelled at him.

His response: “I forgave you before you even left.”

…Let that sink in for a second. Yeah. That didn’t sit well with me then… and it doesn’t sit well with me now, as I look back on it. I really wish I had acquired my knowledge on Narcissism earlier. This was textbook NPD behavior. All I knew at that time, though, is that he was still a jerk. But in spite of that instinctive feeling… I had a nagging thought in the back of my mind that maybe I had done something wrong…

I went back to mom and dad’s and stayed there until I flew out with Billie the following Monday. Narc drove us to the airport and we faked our way through marital pretense.

Billie, her girl, and I made it to Disney World and had a blast! Not even once on the trip did I log on to Narc’s FB account or his messenger App from my phone. This was a break from everything! I wasn’t going to worry about any of that… and I didn’t! I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had so much fun on a trip!

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5 days later, I returned home to a redecorated house and some other surprises from Narc.  I softened and things were more peaceful than they had been… Life was still a roller coaster of ups and downs, though.

I wouldn’t know it for another 3 months but, while I was gone, Narc took advantage of my absence and was up to all the same tricks.